The Secret Way Parents are Buying a Better Online Class for their College Bound Public School Kids

Concerned about the chaos to come as public schools go online for fall, some parents are opening their wallets to school approved third-party vendors offering structured, online classes for those parents who can pay. The kids get high school credit and a grade on their public school transcripts.

My uber liberal, progressive community listserv is all abuzz with parents organizing schooling pods and hiring college students to tutor their kids for the fall semester. But for the more fashionable and well-heeled parents, that is not good enough. For their precious future Ivy leaguers, the thing to do is to pay for public education.

You say, Public Education should be free? Don’t be so old-fashioned.

The latest trend in parenting is to keep your kid enrolled in public school but pay for the same classes in a virtual school. Your future, William Randolph Hurst, can still work on the school paper while taking all their advanced courses in a no-fail online system with virtual teachers and a support coach. You can finally be the helicopter parent, that other less-involved parents envy.

It is the same class that your kid can get in school for free, but you get to pay for it, to ensure that your little future Harvardonian, reaches the top grades in a structured, predictable environment.

You can monitor your kid’s progress in a dashboard that gives real-time grade on tasks and tracks hours engaged in study. Though the public school does offer a “dashboard’ you can’t tell if the kid is really following or just playing Animal Crossing; this way, you will know for sure.

I know you think it is a scam, but it’s perfectly legit. The Feds will not pull you out of your 3500 square foot house, with the remodeled kitchen, because you bought these supportive cocoonlike classes for your kid, Felicity. You don’t have to risk days of jail time to ensure your kid keeps their GPA.

Your kid stays in public school, avoiding private school fees, but they can enroll in asynchronous online classes approved by your state’s education department, all you have to do is pay the low, low, bargain-basement low cost of $900 bucks for each class.

Yes, I know $900 hundred sounds like a lot, but think of all you are getting. Sending them to community college can cost more, and then it’s community college like Yale will care about how your kid did in Community College chemistry, this is the perfect solution if you have the spare change.

If your kid is special ed, like mine is, you are in luck. Most of the classes are entirely accessible. My child has a hearing impairment and needs a closed caption, which her school district has not offered, even though it is on her Individualized Education Plan (IEP), making it required by law. It is just one of those pesky little details that the school district has not gotten to yet, but they had to get sports up and running so, I suppose that it is way more important than disabled kids learning.

Your future Neurosurgeon will be the best learning environment possible, and as a bonus, they will get a “grade” on their high school transcript. Do kids do poorly in these classes? Who knows? And who cares because your future mensa-member will be ok because you are there with them.

You are going to be the kind of parent that puts Lori Laughlin to shame. Remember, she took it too far and went rogue. But this is perfectly legal, approved by the state, and sanctioned by your school district. You don’t have to worry about a hefty fine or bogus prison term for gaming this system.

Every parent wants to buy your child the best learning environment possible without paying hefty private school fees, and you get to keep the new Tesla and the vacation in Turks and Caicos.

Private school education in my area, near Washington, DC, is outrageous. Georgetown Day, where Associate Justice Kavanaugh famously went, is about the price of one: 2020 Mercedes-Benz C-Class per year. It’s great if you can afford it. Not a day goes by that I haven’t cursed that I didn’t study harder in school and was born with a huge trust fund.

Even if you enrolled your future Chief Justice in four online AP courses, you would still only have one 1/8th of a Lexus hybrid; it is such a bargain how you can say no if you have the money? Remember, there is no financial aid available for these classes; it is flash cash only. No way the school system is going to pay for it. It’s not like PTA’s are going to hold fundraisers to send your future CEO of a second-tier investment firm, to attend these programs.

While we liberal parents talk a great game of inclusion and equity, we bought the teeshirt, put the sign in our front yard and took our kids to the protest, the first chance we have to leverage some money to get our kids an advantage we take it. Money should not be a barrier to education, but parents are finding a way around the system every day, this is just another way around it. So take some time and consider your options, I know you will make the right decision for your child’s future as a Silicone Valley Unicorn.

Satirically written for your enjoyment by Campbell, helicopter parent, baker of macaroons for the PTA, Special Education advocate, theater director, Hebrew school drop out, and occasional writer. You can follow her at @campbellwriter on twitter if she hasn’t been banned again.